Request For A Raise

Subject: Request For A Raise
To: Manager

I, the penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

  • I do physical labor
  • I work at great depths
  • I work head first
  • I do not get weekends off or public holidays
  • I work in a damp environment
  • I don’t get paid overtime or shift penalties
  • I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation
  • I work in high temperatures
  • My work exposes me to contagious diseases

Subject: Response To Your Request For A Raise
To: Employee

 

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the management rejects your request for the following reasons:

  • You do not work 8 hours straight
  • You fall asleep on the job after brief work periods
  • You do not always follow management’s orders
  • You do not stay in your allocated position and often visit other areas
  • You take a lot of non-rostered breaks
  • You do not take initiative — you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working
  • You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift
  • You don’t always observe H&S measures, such as wearing the correct
    protective outfits
  • You don’t wait till pension age before retiring
  • You don’t like working double shifts
  • You sometimes leave your allocated position before you have completed the day’s work
  • And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and leaving the work place carrying 2 suspicious looking bags.
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