1. Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.
2. Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.
3. If you buy your husband or boyfriend a video camera, for the first few weeks he has it, lock the door when you go to the bathroom. Most of my husband’s early films end with a scream and a flush.
4. Be careful of men who are bald and rich; the arrogance of “rich” usually cancels out the nice of “bald.”
5. Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible. In a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.
6. Men are very confident people. My husband is so confident that when he watches sports on television, he thinks that if he concentrates he can help his team. If the team is in trouble, he coaches the players from our living room, and if they’re really in trouble, I have to get off the phone in case they call him.
7. If it’s attention you want, don’t get involved with a man during play-off season.
8. Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important.
9. Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches.
10. All men look nerdy in black socks and sandals.
11. The way a man looks at himself in a mirror will tell you if he can ever care about anyone else.
12. Don’t try to teach men how to do anything in public. They can learn in private; in public they have to know.
13. Men who are going bald often wear baseball caps.
14. All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.
15. A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.
16. Men love watches with multiple functions. My husband has one that is a combination address book, telescope and piano.
17. All men hate to hear “We need to talk about our relationship.” These seven words strike fear in the heart of even General Schwarzkopf.
18. Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire and the last log does not burn, he will take it personally.
19. Men are brave enough to go to war, but they are not brave enough to get a bikini wax.
20. All men think that they’re nice guys. Some of them are not. Contact me for a list of names.
21. Men don’t get cellulite. God might just be a man.
22. Men have an easier time buying bathing suits. Women have two types: depressing and more depressing. Men have two types: nerdy and not nerdy.
23. Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.
24. Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I’ve never seen a man walk into a party and say “Oh, my God, I’m so embarrassed; get me out of here. There’s another man wearing a black tuxedo.”
25. Most men hate to shop. That’s why the men’s department is usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door.
26. If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more types of lettuce, he is serious.
27. If you’re dating a man who you think might be “Mr. Right,”
a) got older,
b) got a new job,
or c) visited a psychiatrist,
you are in for a nasty surprise. The cocoon-to-butterfly theory only works on cocoons and butterflies.
28. Men own basketball teams. Every year cheerleaders’ outfits get tighter and briefer, and players’ shorts get baggier and longer.
29. No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record saying he wished he could be Cary Grant.
30. When four or more men get together, they talk about sports. When four or more women get together, they talk about men.
31. Not one man in a beer commercial has a beer belly.
32. Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie THE WAY WE WERE twice, voluntarily.
33. Most women are introspective: “Am I in love? Am I emotionally and creatively fulfilled?” Most men are outrospective: “Did my team win? How’s my car?”
34. If a man says, “I’ll call you,” and he doesn’t, he didn’t forget… he didn’t lose your number… he didn’t die. He just didn’t want to call you.
35. Men hate to lose. I once beat my husband at tennis. I asked him, “Are we going to have sex again?” He said, “Yes, but not with each other.”
36. Men who can eat anything they want and not gain weight should do it out of sight of women.
37. Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a problem. “Get out” and “I never want to see you again” might sound like a challenge. If you want to get rid of a man, I suggest saying, “I love you… I want to marry you… I want to have your children.” Sometimes they leave skid marks.
38. Men accept compliments much better than women do. Example: “Mitch, you look great.” Mitch:”Thanks.” On the other side:”Ruth, you look great.” Ruth: “I do? Must be the lighting.”
39. Impulse buying is not macho. Men rarely call the Home Shopping Network.
40. Men who listen to classical music tend not to spit.
41. Only men who have worn a ski suit understand how complicated it is for a woman to go to the bathroom when she’s wearing a jumpsuit.
42. Men don’t feel the urge to get married as quickly as women do because their clothes all button and zip in the front. Women’s dresses usually button and zip in the back. We need men emotionally and sexually, but we also need men to help us get dressed.
43. Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with superheros. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.
44. When a woman tries on clothing from her closet that feels tight, she will assume she has gained weight. When a man tries something from his closet that feels tight, he will assume the clothing has shrunk.
45. Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes. Male menopause – you get to date young girls and drive motorcycles.
46. Men forget everything; women remember everything.
47. That’s why men need instant replays in sports. They’ve already forgotten what happened.
48. Men would like monogamy better if it sounded less like monotony.
49. It is only common courtesy that you should leave the seat on the toilet UP when you are done.
50. If you are cooking a special dinner for a man, be sure to include something from each of the four major male food groups: Meat, Fried, Beer, and Red.
51. When he asks for a threesome with you and your best friend, he is only joking.
52. Unless the answer is yes.
53. In which case, can he videotape it?
54. If you REALLY want a nice guy, stop dating good-looking assholes.
55. Trying to provoke a large, dangerous-looking felon from across the room is not funny.
56. Money does not equate love. Not even in Nevada.
57. Any attempt by a man to prepare food, no matter how feeble (i.e. Microwaving a burrito, fixing Spaghetti, etc.) should be met with roughly the same degree of praise a parent might shower upon their infant when it walks for the first time.
58. Those male models with perfect bodies are all gay. Accept it.
59. He heard you the first time.
60. You know, YOU can ask HIM out too… Let’s spread the rejection around a little.
61. If you truly want honesty, don’t ask questions you don’t really want the answer to.
62. Of COURSE he wants another beer.
63. The guy doesn’t ALWAYS have to sleep on the wet spot.
64. Any sort of injury involving the testicles is not funny.
65. “Fine.” is not an acceptable way to end an argument.
66. Do not question a man’s innate navigational abilities by suggesting he stop for directions.
67. He was not looking at that other girl. Well, okay… maybe a little. Okay, so what! He was looking at her. Big deal. Like you never looked at another guy…
68. There is nothing inherently wrong with the word “pussy”.
69. He is the funniest, strongest, best-looking, most successful man you have ever met.
70. Your (select appropriate item:) butt/boobs/hair/makeup/legs look fine. As a matter of fact, it/they look damn good. Stop asking.
71. If you want a satisfying sex life, you will NEVER fake an orgasm.
72. It is not necessary to discuss the heaviness of your menstrual flow with him.
73. Remember: that Nair bottle looks an awful lot like shampoo if left in the shower.
74. Two words: blow job. Learn it. Live it. Love it.
75. Dirty laundry comes in several categories: Looks fine/smells fine, Looks fine/smells bad, Looks dirty/smells fine. Unless you intend to wash it, do not try to disrupt piles organized in this manner.
76. Yes, Sharon Stone/Pamela Anderson/Cindy Crawford is prettier than you. Just like Brad Pitt / Antonio Banderas / Keanu Reeves is better looking than him. But since neither one of you is going to be dating any of these people, love the one you’re with.
77. Of course size matters, and boy does he have the granddaddy of them all.
78. His (fill in appropriate selections:) bald spot/beer gut/impossibly thick glasses/impotency/scabby rash, is cute.
79. Watching football is a major turn-on for you. But please wait until the half-time show to act upon that…
80. A successful date always starts with the woman uttering the sentence: “You know, why don’t we just skip the expensive dinner and stay here having freaky circus sex all night?” (Source)