1. Carl ‘Alfalfa’ Switzer
Yes, that would be Alfalfa from the Little Rascals. Turns out, off-key singing and bad hair were not his only crimes against humanity.
As a kid, he was little bastard, pulling pranks on other little rascals cast members; He once put fishing hooks in Spanky’s pants, resulting in cuts so bad that poor Spanky needed stitches. He convinced Darla to put her hand in his pocket, telling her he had a ring in it for her. Take a guess as to what it was. Did you think “his penis”? I did too. Nope, Alfalfa wasn’t a pervert, he was a sick asshole. It was switch blade, and Darla nearly lost a finger because of it. When The Little Rascals series was sold to MGM, he got even worse. During a filming break, he pissed on the set’s lights. When they turned them back on, the smell made by super heated urine was so intense they had to stop filming for the day.
He didn’t die with his childhood, though. He got married, but that only lasted 4 months. He got shot while getting into his car once; they don’t know why, and while getting shot isn’t in and of itself a s***y thing, his track record suggests he didn’t buy the guy flowers and the dud just f****g snapped…
He also cut down 15 trees in Sequoia National Park. About national parks, they say “Take only pictures and leave only footprints.” Alfalfa said “F**k you, I’m taking 15 trees”.
In 1959, Alfalfa got drunk and decided that a guy he knew named Bud Stiltz owed him 50 bucks. Apparently, Alfalfa borrowed a dog from the guy, then lost it. He paid the Bud $35 and bought him $15 worth of drinks at a bar, to make up for it, but guess what? They found the dog. So he decided Bud owed him the 50 he had paid him. Never mind the whole ordeal was his fault, and it’s a pretty bulls**t move to buy someone drinks, THEN tell them they owe you for it. A scuffle ensued, wherein Alfalfa and his friend beat up Bud, who took a glass dome clock to the head, leading him to get his gun. Alfalfa grabbed the gun, which he almost got away from the guy (which is a bad-ass check in Alfalfa’s book) , and forced Bud back into a closet (check number 2), but when he pulled a switch blade (we don’t know if this is the same one he used to carve off Darla’s finger) and told Bud he was going to kill him, Bud apparently had enough and shot him. In the groin.
No doubt, Spanky got some cosmic joy out of the whole thing, because Alfalfa died of internal bleeding from a nut-shot on the way to the hospital.
2. Jeffery Dahmer
This one is pretty well-known, but for the three of you that don’t know who he is:
Jeffery Dahmer is most famous for being the guy who killed and ate 17 people in the early 90s. He trolled bars, looking to pick up guys and take them home, where he would drug them, screw them, kill them, screw them some more, then eat them. One can assume that with that track record, he probably then screwed them some more.
But he didn’t just grow up to be an asshole; like Alfalfa, he was a di*k early on, too. As a kid he would kill and dissect animals. He stuck a dog head on a stick out in the woods in a very Lord of the Flies fashion for anyone who happened by.
He was a chronic alcoholic by the time he was a teenager, tough that isn’t in and of itself an asshole move, but it’s a pretty good indicator. He was forced to enlist in the army by his dad, but they didn’t want him because he drank too much so he was kicked out after 2 years.
Then for a while he busied himself with showing his junk to kids and trying to fondle them, which resulted in some jail time. When that wasn’t enough, he began killing and eating people.
In some cases, he tried drilling holes in their heads while they were still alive and poured acid in the holes to try to make them zombie love slaves. But damn it all if they didn’t just keep dying. So he ate them. Apparently, he was lonely. That was the root of it all; he couldn’t relate to people, and kids wouldn’t let him feel them up, so he decided the best way to maintain a relationship would be to lobotomize people so they would presumably have a hard time finding the door.
Since being a “Drunk ex-army guy” didn’t qualify him to perform medical procedures on people, and he wound up killing all of them, he just decided to eat them so they would always be a part of him. Imagine the heartbreak every time he took a dump.
Most of his victims were grown men that should have taken one look at his mustache and told him to f**k off, but in one case he killed a 14-year-old kid, who happened to be the younger brother of one of the kids he’d felt up. All told, he’d killed 17 people, and the cops found partial bodies, heads, and skulls in the closet, as well as 3 penises in the fridge. He was eventually caught, and imprisoned, where there were some attempts made to kill him.
A guy named Jesse Anderson apparently decided that attempting to kill Jeff wasn’t good enough. Showing the kind of gusto that makes people say “If you want something done well, do it yourself”, he took the bar from a weight machine and proceeded to show Jeffery Dahmer that if he swung hard enough, he could hit the floor with it, despite Jeff’s head being in the way. We don’t know if they actually discussed this point, but he proved it anyway. Jeff died on the way to the hospital.
3. Elizabeth Bathory
Men aren’t the only people in the world sick enough to actually deserve an awful end. Anyone who has ever played Vampire: The Masquerade or has googled “female serial killer” has probably heard of Countess Bathory. She was a noble in Eastern Europe in the 16th century. She actually started off pretty normal for a noble of the time. She was well-educated, was married to a powerful man, and had several kids.
She helped several women during the wars being fought with the Ottoman empire, even helping out a peasant woman and her daughter who had been raped and impregnated.
After her husband died in 1604 (they had been married for 29 years), rumors started to fly about some shady goings-on at Bathory’s place; namely that she hired peasant girls to work for kick-ass rates and then murdered them, bled them, and bathed in their blood. Apparently simply killing and draining them was not enough; they had to be tortured and starved first. Since there are no legends that torture blood is more effective at keeping you young than just any old blood, I can only assume that in addition to being evil, Bathory was just a bit*h.
In all she was rumored to have killed over 600 girls from the 17 surrounding villages. The general lack of milk cartons at the time probably made it easy for Bathory, since it was unlikely that all of the villages were going to get together one day and in conversation say “Wait, all of your daughters are disappearing, too?”
6 years later, she was officially arrested along with 4 servants who had helped her. Supposedly, all the bleeding and bathing was done in an attempt to remain youthful forever, and possibly to see if Bath and Body Works products could cover the scent of death. (They couldn’t)
The 4 servants were immediately put to death (they were all found guilty, though, so don’t feel bad), and the countess herself was walled up in her basement as her punishment. She lasted 4 years, presumably bathing in her own waste by then. (Source)