Advice From A Stripper: The Early Warning Guide To Bad Boyfriends

You can tell a lot about a man by how he acts in a strip club. Does he treat it like a consequence-free environment, or does he act like the same person he is outside? So many of my coworkers at the club make no personal use of all their professional experiences observing and interacting with different types of men. In fact, I know they’re ignoring this inside knowledge, because I hear at least one each night in the dressing room screaming on her phone. Some of us are thinking, “Girl, when he made you pay for two dates in a row, you should’ve known,” or “That man is a serial stripper dater—what were you thinking?” Bad boyfriends reveal themselves pretty readily whether they’re on dates or in the club, and I’m here to connect the dots, so you don’t have to waste your time. Obviously, not all men frequent strip clubs, but all types of men do. After the jump, five archetypal bad boyfriends and their warning signs, in the club and out.

The Control Freak:

One of my married-with-kids coworkers was talking about her latest Skype conversation with her enlisted husband. She was getting ready for work, putting on her makeup and video-chatting, when he asked, “Why isn’t your hair straight? Why is it curly?” “Well, I’m tired of straightening it every time I go in,” she told him. “I just thought I’d wear it curly for once.” He angrily informed her that “‘Macy’ (her stage name) has straight hair. MY WIFE has curly hair.” Needless to say, by the time she got to work, her hair was straight. As customers, these guys say things like, “If you were my woman, I’d never let you do this.” I don’t want to know what else he doesn’t think he would let ” his woman” do. It’s a short step to crazy jealousy when he insists he’s just really loving you when he doesn’t want you to go out for girls’ nights or keep exes as Facebook friends. It’s all part of an eventual plan to control and isolate “his woman” from the world.

The Creep:

I worked with the sweetest girl—whose husband would show people a camera phone photo of her in mid-facial. Yikes. It’s nice to date someone who’s cool with you taking your clothes off for a living, but someone who gets off on it can present a problem. He’s the customer who says, “I bet you get so turned on at work. Your man is so lucky, I bet you come home and want to do it all night.” Actually, I just want to get into my Snuggie and turn on the DVR, hot stuff. When dating, initial excitement with the variety and novelty of his requests turns into the fear that an unworkable sex life is around the corner. Be cautious, lest the contents of his hard drive someday be in violation of the law or end up on the internet.

The Deadbeat:

The number one stripper boyfriend stereotype is the guy who’s living off of his girlfriend’s lap-dance money. Still, supporting a deadbeat boyfriend is not strictly the domain of sex workers. An informal dressing room survey did show 100 percent of us have been in this situation, though. I’ve seen it happen to civilian friends, too. In the club, this is the guy who thinks it’s cool to hang out and watch for free and doesn’t tip the bartender or waitress. He’s probably only there because a friend paid his cover and bought his drinks. As it’s well documented that we dancers judge men based on their tipping behavior, I’m surprised that these guys still get laid. Charm is still worth something, I guess, but there are plenty of charming men who will pick up the check or find something within his budget if he’s, you know, legitimately broke because he works for the ACLU or is a student. Expecting you to pay for everything is a good predictor of other selfish behaviors.

Sexually Dysfunctional Guy:

Oh, man, never again, I say. I’d rather deal with all the other four types on this list combined before I deal with anyone’s repeated inability to get it up, premature ejaculation, or nonexistent/incompatible sex drive. Hear me when I tell you that unresolved bedroom issues never stay there. I’m not sure I can even write the behaviors I’ve seen from these guys in the club. Suffice to say, they get really excited really easily. Cruelly, this dysfunction often comes in a really nice package, pun intended, so you’ll want to keep trying, even though the encounters are always frustrating and disappointing. He might make a show about being above something as base as sexual desire, to which I say take that monastic act to a monastery. You can’t change or fix his issues. Find one of those millions of men who want to please, and tell the other guy to call you after he’s done with therapy.

The Misogynist:

Why is he so angry with us? Not breastfed? Abusive mom? Taken in a divorce? I don’t know, but there’s a type of man who frequents strip clubs purely to be a jerk to women. Not in a pickup artist’s “negging” way, but in a truly hostile manner. He can do this in the club because we’ll act like his BS is charming in order to get his money, because that means we win, and because we don’t care what he thinks about us. At first, his anger may manifest as sarcastic wit, and you might think, “Wow, what a funny guy!” Sarcasm isn’t known as misdirected anger for nothing. He’s really, really mad about something, and while you’re not in personal danger with the misogynist, you’ll realize pretty soon that no one can live on hate-sex alone.(FRISKY)

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Top 10 Sex Myths

No.10 – Great sex comes naturally

I remember when I was younger I was always so nervous about having my first kiss, because I didn’t know how to kiss. People would tell me it comes naturally and I didn’t believe them, until I actually did kiss and it did come naturally. The physical chemistry you see on TV and in the movies suggests that when two lovers meet, sparks fly and mind-blowing sex naturally follows. As we all know, in the real world, it’s not always that easy. The human body doesn’t come with an instruction manual. The “tricks of the trade” that pleased a former partner do not always translate with someone new. Good communication is the key to good sex, as is a willingness to be open to trying new techniques and positions to find out what each partner finds pleasurable. It can be a little awkward at first to over-communicate during sex, but think about the outcome: a partner who knows how to do it right every time.

No.9 – Men have more sexual urges than women

Though many men would have you believe they’re ready to go 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, the truth is that men experience daily fluctuations in libido, as do women. A man’s readiness to hop in the sack can be impacted by many of the same factors that impact a woman’s level of desire, including diet, sleep, health, stress, medical conditions, self-confidence, and relationship disharmony. Sexual urges occur naturally and although people try to say that men are users and they are only after one thing etc there are just as many woman out there that are the same as it is natural to be attracted to others.

No.8 – After a certain age, sex is no longer important

There is no age limit on sexuality, but for people age 50 and over, sexual satisfaction depends more on the overall quality of the relationship than it does for younger couples. A National Council on Aging survey reports that among people age 60 and over who have regular intercourse, 74 percent of the men and 70 percent of the women find their sex lives more satisfying than when they were in their forties. Sex is an important aspect of physical and emotional health and well-being for adults of all ages, even those in their golden years. While some people believe that a decrease in libido is a natural part of aging, a loss of sexual desire can be related to a number of other factors including hormone deficiencies, depression, anxiety disorders, side effects of medication, changes to a relationship, communication barriers, or loss of a spouse or partner.

No.7 – Viagra is the answer

While many people believe Viagra and other similar oral medications are the best or only treatment for men with erectile dysfunction, the truth is that for many men these drugs are not a viable option or they simply are not effective. Oral medications are only a temporary fix to a problem that may have other underlying health causes that should be addressed by a qualified physician. In addition, many men with health conditions, including hypertension and diabetes, cannot take oral prescriptions due to serious potential side effects or contradictions with other medications. For men who cannot use oral meds, there are a number of other options including urethral suppositories and ICP, an injection that produces an erection within minutes.

No.6 – Size matters

Even if every guy you know could probably tell you exactly how big his penis is, size is not a barometer for manhood. As anyone with sexual experience knows, true sexual enthusiasm far outweighs any gifted parts. And contrary to another popular myth, the size of your member has nothing to do with the size of your hands or feet. The average woman can only take about 5 inches comfortably. Anything bigger can hurt 😦 you wouldn’t want to ram into a women’s cervix, that can be painful. Besides the length doesn’t really matter, it’s the girth. But the thing that matters the most to me is chemistry; how we feel about each other, how he makes sure I’m comfortable and just genuinely cares for me. You can’t be selfish, you need to make sure your partner is enjoying it too.

No.5 – Certain foods can put you in the mood

Named for the Greek goddess of sensuality and love,aphrodisiacs are said to put you in the mood. While oysters, dark chocolate, strawberries, and tiger penis might make you feel l’amour, there is no scientific evidence to support the validity of aphrodisiacs. However, while there is no science to foods and/or herbs causing arousal, a certain food can trigger an erotic memory or desire in your own mind — so in a sense, we all have our own aphrodisiacs.

No.4 – Oral sex is safer than vaginal and anal sex

From teenagers to former President Bill Clinton, oral sex seems to have the stigma of a “free pass” as far as sexual relationships go. Yes, it does count as sex, and yes, you can get a sexually transmitted disease from oral sex. Whether you swallow or not. With fluid-borne infections — like HIV or Chlamydia — swallowing fluids create those risks. With skin-to-skin transmitted infections like HPV or Herpes, no fluid needs even be present for an infection to be transmitted, so a person who didn’t swallow and who was giving oral sex to a partner with one of those infections could still get the infection themselves that way.

No.3 – Premature ejaculation only affects young men

While men sometimes underestimate the relationship between sexual performance and emotional well-being, premature ejaculation can be caused by temporary depression, stress over financial matters, unrealistic expectations about performance, a history of sexual repression, or an overall lack of confidence. Interpersonal dynamics strongly contribute to sexual function, and premature ejaculation can be caused by a lack of communication between partners, hurt feelings, or unresolved conflicts that interfere with the ability to achieve emotional intimacy. Neurological premature ejaculation can also lead to other forms of sexual dysfunction, or intensify the existing problem, by creating performance anxiety. In a less pathological context, premature ejaculation could also be simply caused by extreme arousal. In fact, premature ejaculation affects 30% of men at sometime in their lives.
Often, early ejaculation in men who are in their 30s or older is a co-symptom of erectile dysfunction or fatigue, poor cardiovascular conditioning, depression, anxiety, or neurological symptoms.

 No.2 – Fantasizing about someone else is a bad thing

A large part of the sexual experience starts with your brain, not your body, and sometimes your brain can wander. 

The entire point of fantasizing is to think up new and interesting situations – why would you want to limit yourself to fantasizing only about your partner, when you can instead choose to act out these fantasies with your partner, and leave your fantasies for things you don’t intend on fulfilling anytime soon? When someone starts to act on those fantasies is when a problem arises. Cheating is a physical relationship between someone other than your spouse or significant other. Cheating also shows a total lack of respect towards your significant other. If you are committed to your lady or man, and your relationship is in a good place, it’s OK to think about Allen (Iverson) or Megan(Fox) every now and then.

No.1 – Women can’t get pregnant if a man pulls out

The “pull-out” method, also known as the rhythm method, is potentially the worst possible form of birth control and is not always a reliable method. There are several reasons for this. Once a male becomes aroused, he ejects pre-ejaculate fluid — this fluid can contain at least 300,000 sperm (and it only takes 1 to join an egg)! There is also the risk that he doesn’t pull out in time as, in the heat of the moment, it can be hard to keep control. Even if he ejaculates outside of the vagina, sperm can swim, so semen anywhere near the vagina can still lead to pregnancy (this means that pregnancy can occur even without penile penetration if a male ejaculates on or near the vagina). Withdrawal can be an effective method, but only if it is done perfectly (which is extremely hard to do). Men do not always know when ejaculatory fluid begins to seep out —  In fact, one in five couples who use this method as their only form of birth control over the course of a year will end up pregnant.(ASKMEN)

Now that you’ve brushed up your knowledge on the top 10 sex myths, you can go out and have the best sex of your life. Just remember: While it is very important to stay safe and be smart, sex is not only a necessary bodily function, but also a very enjoyable bodily function