Advice From A Stripper: The Early Warning Guide To Bad Boyfriends

You can tell a lot about a man by how he acts in a strip club. Does he treat it like a consequence-free environment, or does he act like the same person he is outside? So many of my coworkers at the club make no personal use of all their professional experiences observing and interacting with different types of men. In fact, I know they’re ignoring this inside knowledge, because I hear at least one each night in the dressing room screaming on her phone. Some of us are thinking, “Girl, when he made you pay for two dates in a row, you should’ve known,” or “That man is a serial stripper dater—what were you thinking?” Bad boyfriends reveal themselves pretty readily whether they’re on dates or in the club, and I’m here to connect the dots, so you don’t have to waste your time. Obviously, not all men frequent strip clubs, but all types of men do. After the jump, five archetypal bad boyfriends and their warning signs, in the club and out.

The Control Freak:

One of my married-with-kids coworkers was talking about her latest Skype conversation with her enlisted husband. She was getting ready for work, putting on her makeup and video-chatting, when he asked, “Why isn’t your hair straight? Why is it curly?” “Well, I’m tired of straightening it every time I go in,” she told him. “I just thought I’d wear it curly for once.” He angrily informed her that “‘Macy’ (her stage name) has straight hair. MY WIFE has curly hair.” Needless to say, by the time she got to work, her hair was straight. As customers, these guys say things like, “If you were my woman, I’d never let you do this.” I don’t want to know what else he doesn’t think he would let ” his woman” do. It’s a short step to crazy jealousy when he insists he’s just really loving you when he doesn’t want you to go out for girls’ nights or keep exes as Facebook friends. It’s all part of an eventual plan to control and isolate “his woman” from the world.

The Creep:

I worked with the sweetest girl—whose husband would show people a camera phone photo of her in mid-facial. Yikes. It’s nice to date someone who’s cool with you taking your clothes off for a living, but someone who gets off on it can present a problem. He’s the customer who says, “I bet you get so turned on at work. Your man is so lucky, I bet you come home and want to do it all night.” Actually, I just want to get into my Snuggie and turn on the DVR, hot stuff. When dating, initial excitement with the variety and novelty of his requests turns into the fear that an unworkable sex life is around the corner. Be cautious, lest the contents of his hard drive someday be in violation of the law or end up on the internet.

The Deadbeat:

The number one stripper boyfriend stereotype is the guy who’s living off of his girlfriend’s lap-dance money. Still, supporting a deadbeat boyfriend is not strictly the domain of sex workers. An informal dressing room survey did show 100 percent of us have been in this situation, though. I’ve seen it happen to civilian friends, too. In the club, this is the guy who thinks it’s cool to hang out and watch for free and doesn’t tip the bartender or waitress. He’s probably only there because a friend paid his cover and bought his drinks. As it’s well documented that we dancers judge men based on their tipping behavior, I’m surprised that these guys still get laid. Charm is still worth something, I guess, but there are plenty of charming men who will pick up the check or find something within his budget if he’s, you know, legitimately broke because he works for the ACLU or is a student. Expecting you to pay for everything is a good predictor of other selfish behaviors.

Sexually Dysfunctional Guy:

Oh, man, never again, I say. I’d rather deal with all the other four types on this list combined before I deal with anyone’s repeated inability to get it up, premature ejaculation, or nonexistent/incompatible sex drive. Hear me when I tell you that unresolved bedroom issues never stay there. I’m not sure I can even write the behaviors I’ve seen from these guys in the club. Suffice to say, they get really excited really easily. Cruelly, this dysfunction often comes in a really nice package, pun intended, so you’ll want to keep trying, even though the encounters are always frustrating and disappointing. He might make a show about being above something as base as sexual desire, to which I say take that monastic act to a monastery. You can’t change or fix his issues. Find one of those millions of men who want to please, and tell the other guy to call you after he’s done with therapy.

The Misogynist:

Why is he so angry with us? Not breastfed? Abusive mom? Taken in a divorce? I don’t know, but there’s a type of man who frequents strip clubs purely to be a jerk to women. Not in a pickup artist’s “negging” way, but in a truly hostile manner. He can do this in the club because we’ll act like his BS is charming in order to get his money, because that means we win, and because we don’t care what he thinks about us. At first, his anger may manifest as sarcastic wit, and you might think, “Wow, what a funny guy!” Sarcasm isn’t known as misdirected anger for nothing. He’s really, really mad about something, and while you’re not in personal danger with the misogynist, you’ll realize pretty soon that no one can live on hate-sex alone.(FRISKY)

Top 10 Sex Myths

No.10 – Great sex comes naturally

I remember when I was younger I was always so nervous about having my first kiss, because I didn’t know how to kiss. People would tell me it comes naturally and I didn’t believe them, until I actually did kiss and it did come naturally. The physical chemistry you see on TV and in the movies suggests that when two lovers meet, sparks fly and mind-blowing sex naturally follows. As we all know, in the real world, it’s not always that easy. The human body doesn’t come with an instruction manual. The “tricks of the trade” that pleased a former partner do not always translate with someone new. Good communication is the key to good sex, as is a willingness to be open to trying new techniques and positions to find out what each partner finds pleasurable. It can be a little awkward at first to over-communicate during sex, but think about the outcome: a partner who knows how to do it right every time.

No.9 – Men have more sexual urges than women

Though many men would have you believe they’re ready to go 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, the truth is that men experience daily fluctuations in libido, as do women. A man’s readiness to hop in the sack can be impacted by many of the same factors that impact a woman’s level of desire, including diet, sleep, health, stress, medical conditions, self-confidence, and relationship disharmony. Sexual urges occur naturally and although people try to say that men are users and they are only after one thing etc there are just as many woman out there that are the same as it is natural to be attracted to others.

No.8 – After a certain age, sex is no longer important

There is no age limit on sexuality, but for people age 50 and over, sexual satisfaction depends more on the overall quality of the relationship than it does for younger couples. A National Council on Aging survey reports that among people age 60 and over who have regular intercourse, 74 percent of the men and 70 percent of the women find their sex lives more satisfying than when they were in their forties. Sex is an important aspect of physical and emotional health and well-being for adults of all ages, even those in their golden years. While some people believe that a decrease in libido is a natural part of aging, a loss of sexual desire can be related to a number of other factors including hormone deficiencies, depression, anxiety disorders, side effects of medication, changes to a relationship, communication barriers, or loss of a spouse or partner.

No.7 – Viagra is the answer

While many people believe Viagra and other similar oral medications are the best or only treatment for men with erectile dysfunction, the truth is that for many men these drugs are not a viable option or they simply are not effective. Oral medications are only a temporary fix to a problem that may have other underlying health causes that should be addressed by a qualified physician. In addition, many men with health conditions, including hypertension and diabetes, cannot take oral prescriptions due to serious potential side effects or contradictions with other medications. For men who cannot use oral meds, there are a number of other options including urethral suppositories and ICP, an injection that produces an erection within minutes.

No.6 – Size matters

Even if every guy you know could probably tell you exactly how big his penis is, size is not a barometer for manhood. As anyone with sexual experience knows, true sexual enthusiasm far outweighs any gifted parts. And contrary to another popular myth, the size of your member has nothing to do with the size of your hands or feet. The average woman can only take about 5 inches comfortably. Anything bigger can hurt 😦 you wouldn’t want to ram into a women’s cervix, that can be painful. Besides the length doesn’t really matter, it’s the girth. But the thing that matters the most to me is chemistry; how we feel about each other, how he makes sure I’m comfortable and just genuinely cares for me. You can’t be selfish, you need to make sure your partner is enjoying it too.

No.5 – Certain foods can put you in the mood

Named for the Greek goddess of sensuality and love,aphrodisiacs are said to put you in the mood. While oysters, dark chocolate, strawberries, and tiger penis might make you feel l’amour, there is no scientific evidence to support the validity of aphrodisiacs. However, while there is no science to foods and/or herbs causing arousal, a certain food can trigger an erotic memory or desire in your own mind — so in a sense, we all have our own aphrodisiacs.

No.4 – Oral sex is safer than vaginal and anal sex

From teenagers to former President Bill Clinton, oral sex seems to have the stigma of a “free pass” as far as sexual relationships go. Yes, it does count as sex, and yes, you can get a sexually transmitted disease from oral sex. Whether you swallow or not. With fluid-borne infections — like HIV or Chlamydia — swallowing fluids create those risks. With skin-to-skin transmitted infections like HPV or Herpes, no fluid needs even be present for an infection to be transmitted, so a person who didn’t swallow and who was giving oral sex to a partner with one of those infections could still get the infection themselves that way.

No.3 – Premature ejaculation only affects young men

While men sometimes underestimate the relationship between sexual performance and emotional well-being, premature ejaculation can be caused by temporary depression, stress over financial matters, unrealistic expectations about performance, a history of sexual repression, or an overall lack of confidence. Interpersonal dynamics strongly contribute to sexual function, and premature ejaculation can be caused by a lack of communication between partners, hurt feelings, or unresolved conflicts that interfere with the ability to achieve emotional intimacy. Neurological premature ejaculation can also lead to other forms of sexual dysfunction, or intensify the existing problem, by creating performance anxiety. In a less pathological context, premature ejaculation could also be simply caused by extreme arousal. In fact, premature ejaculation affects 30% of men at sometime in their lives.
Often, early ejaculation in men who are in their 30s or older is a co-symptom of erectile dysfunction or fatigue, poor cardiovascular conditioning, depression, anxiety, or neurological symptoms.

 No.2 – Fantasizing about someone else is a bad thing

A large part of the sexual experience starts with your brain, not your body, and sometimes your brain can wander. 

The entire point of fantasizing is to think up new and interesting situations – why would you want to limit yourself to fantasizing only about your partner, when you can instead choose to act out these fantasies with your partner, and leave your fantasies for things you don’t intend on fulfilling anytime soon? When someone starts to act on those fantasies is when a problem arises. Cheating is a physical relationship between someone other than your spouse or significant other. Cheating also shows a total lack of respect towards your significant other. If you are committed to your lady or man, and your relationship is in a good place, it’s OK to think about Allen (Iverson) or Megan(Fox) every now and then.

No.1 – Women can’t get pregnant if a man pulls out

The “pull-out” method, also known as the rhythm method, is potentially the worst possible form of birth control and is not always a reliable method. There are several reasons for this. Once a male becomes aroused, he ejects pre-ejaculate fluid — this fluid can contain at least 300,000 sperm (and it only takes 1 to join an egg)! There is also the risk that he doesn’t pull out in time as, in the heat of the moment, it can be hard to keep control. Even if he ejaculates outside of the vagina, sperm can swim, so semen anywhere near the vagina can still lead to pregnancy (this means that pregnancy can occur even without penile penetration if a male ejaculates on or near the vagina). Withdrawal can be an effective method, but only if it is done perfectly (which is extremely hard to do). Men do not always know when ejaculatory fluid begins to seep out —  In fact, one in five couples who use this method as their only form of birth control over the course of a year will end up pregnant.(ASKMEN)

Now that you’ve brushed up your knowledge on the top 10 sex myths, you can go out and have the best sex of your life. Just remember: While it is very important to stay safe and be smart, sex is not only a necessary bodily function, but also a very enjoyable bodily function

10 Ways To Avoid A Lover’s Spat

 How many times have we started a conversation off with a “I don’t want to argue with you,” and then it turns into a knock down drag out? While fighting with your significant other is a given, it’s also necessary for a relationship to grow – or par for the course, right? But some, if not most, arguments are useless and can be avoided. Going to bed angry with your spouse or loved one is the worst and further propels the anger when you wake up the next morning not having resolved the issue. Why go to work piping hot and one irked nerve away from boiling over when you can talk it out? How long do the silent treatments have to last? Surely, this is no way to get your point across so why not stop adding fuel, and fight fire with water?

That’s the beauty of communication. What’s even more beautiful is knowing how to stop a tiff before it starts, regardless of the severity of the issue. At the end of the day, beefin’ with your boo is trivial since tomorrow is promised to no one and that’s why it’s so important to part ways for the day in peace. Take a look at these tips to avoid the loathsome lover’s spat!

1.) Soften Your Approach – who hates that already aggressive toned “we need to talk.” Ugh. The other person is already gearing up for battle … not a good starting point. Pose a question, “hey babe, can we talk?” Or, “I’ve got a few things I’ve been wanting to talk to you about, you got a minute?” This is setting the stage for equal engagement and the likelihood of getting a productive response is greater.

2.) Don’t Devalue – patience is key! When you’re pouring your heart out, expressing your feelings or stating your position, the last thing you want to hear is, “that is SO stupid,” or “what you’re saying makes NO sense,” or “what are you talking about?” Phrases like these make for an immediate shut down. Never make your loved one feel as though their thoughts and feelings are trivial and invalid. Try this instead, “help me understand where you’re coming from,” or “please explain further.” Yea, it’s like pulling teeth, but you want your loved one to feel comfortable expressing themselves to you. Again, patience.

3.) Take a Breather – in the heat of the moment it is so easy to be combative, fly off at the mouth and say mean-spirited things you don’t mean. It’s okay to have a problem and it’s okay to let it be known, but hollering with your arms folded, eye-rolling and not letting your partner get a word in edgewise is not communicating! It’s a turn off … a COMPLETE turn off. Back off and breath for a few, let your loved one know, “I’m hot right now. Give me moment to collect my thoughts.” What you’re displaying without saying it is, “I don’t want to fight.”

4.) Listen – when your partner says, “can I finish? Will you let me finish please?” This is no bueno. Let your lady/man speak his/her mind. Who cares how long it takes! Allow the venting process to take place and perhaps when he/she is finished you won’t have to say much at all. Listening to your partner is just as much a part of the communication process as speaking. Sometimes just hearing him/her out is all it takes to quell a dispute.

5.) Drop the Defense –Team “US” is ideal but when there’s a dispute, there are two teams: Team Me and Team You. The both of you cannot be in defense mode if you want resolution. Somebody has to play offense. Somebody has to be “the bigger person.” It’s easy to react and take part in the emotional whirlwind that suddenly came sweeping through the room, what sense does it make to go a-whirling with it? Try for this in a soothing tone “hey, whoa! Baby, calm down. Relax, have a seat. Let’s talk about this.”

6.) Find the Root of the Problem – the fact that you left your socks in the middle of the floor or forgot to flush the toilet is not the real reason that you’re in the throws of a battle. Get to the root of the issue by refusing to participate in the trivial bickering. It’s not the socks or the gift in the toilet that’s got him/her on tilt! Ask your partner or yourself, “what’s the real problem?” “Is there a deeper issue that needs to be confronted?” Once you figure it out, apply the measures listed above.

7.) Agree to Disagree Respectfully – in a perfect world we would see eye to eye all the time, but we all know that’s not the case. Instead of approaching the situation expecting compliance, just shoot for understanding. You simply cannot convince someone to see it your way. It’s okay to disagree, explain why you do and find a happy medium. You can save yourself the exhaustion by looking for ways to work together to reach a hub of solid communication. After a while it becomes effortless.

8.) Take Ownership – if you’re wrong, admit it. Don’t blame your partner or his or her actions for your behaving like a child or being irrational and immature. “I did that because you do xyz.” Why do we have to duck and dodge the B.S. BEFORE addressing the real issue? Be responsible and say, ” hey, you know what? I was wrong for that. This is why I did it. I understand why you’re mad right now. I’m listening.” If it’s warranted, take that verbal lashing! If you F’d up, you F’d up! And now, by default, you have to listen to your lady/man fuss about it. It happens to the best of us, we all have to sit in the hot seat from time to time. It’s okay.

9.) Ask Questions – a good Q & A can be really helpful and eye-opening. Ask simple and candid questions. As corny as it sounds ask your partner, “how did that make you feel?” “Why are you crying?” “What can I do to help us move past this?” This will give him/her a chance to verbalize specific needs and wants and it gives you a chance to make it clear how you plan to deliver.

10.) Sex – self-explanatory. Nothing like some good lovin’ to quiet a storm in the making. But here’s the deal, just because you had a good session doesn’t mean the problem is fixed! Sex is just a leeway to better communication! Sex is a stress reliever and once you’ve relieved some tension, talking things out is all but effortless! (BOSSIP)

Ladies:Give Him A Show..

 It is no secret that men are visual beings -this is fact- but let’s not ignore the depth of the sense. Although they are ones for being visually stimulated, it’s not just a flat, two-dimensional, paper doll kind of woman who allures them. For example, men can see a woman who is flawlessly beautiful, marvel for a moment and quickly decide that she would bore him. Men want to see the beast behind the beauty. They want to see some edge … the woman that’s outwardly sophisticated but oozes sex appeal. Now they know there’s more to the ‘look’ and would love to peel through the layers to expose the vixen within! See the dynamic? A man’s mind will go 8,000 places visualizing, not only, the things he wants to do to you but what you’ll do to him! So you have to keep it hot, unconventional and most of all, keep him guessing! Switch it up! Be his sexual servant one night and own his a*s the next!

Something to Remember – let him watch you dress before work in the morning, before an evening event or before a date. Lay your clothes out on the bed and make sure the bra and panties are sexy and match. Lacy thigh high stockings are also a plus. Once you’re showered take your time to lotion your body. You know he’s going to stare so stare back! Don’t bust up the moment with words or asking “what?” He’s watching, that’s what you want him to do. Pose in the mirror in your underwear, slowly and gently work those thigh highs up your legs. While he’s loving watching you dress, it’ll be all he can think about until he gets to undress you!

Keep a Secret – try this for kicks and giggles! Go to your novelty shop and grab a set of vibrating panties that come with a remote. The next time you go out with your man, throw them on and hand him the remote. They’re pocket-sized so he can do all the vibe and speed adjusting with a push of a button from his pocket. He’ll get a *ahem* rise out of being in control of your erogenous excitement and watching your reactions.

All Lights On – this is that night where you put your hair in a sexy up-do and throw some make up on. Keep it natural though, eyeliner, mascara and gloss. Grab him up and show him to the bedroom. Maybe keep the work clothes on or strip down to your underwear. Sit on the edge of the bed, spread your legs and pull him close to you by his belt loops. Unbutton, unzip and drop his pants. But here’s the deal, it’s all about the eye contact! Keep your eyes on him while you orally pleasure him. It’s all about the show and he loves to watch you so be enthusiastic.

Get Cleaned Up – invite him to watch and help you shower. *Again detail: take some time to shave and groom yourself before you invite him in on the fun. Shout for him to bring you a washcloth or your loofah that you can’t reach … whatever you need to do to get him in. He’ll be surprised to find you with the curtain/door pulled and a naked, wet and soapy you standing there lathering your body. Turn around and ask him to wash your back. Don’t be shocked if he decides to strip down and join you!

Get Off – this take some gonads, ladies. The element of surprise is always arousing. Catch him off guard the moment you walk through the door – give him a sweet, seducing glance, kick off your shoes and make your way towards the bedroom stripping your clothes off on your way. Trust and believe he’ll be curious enough to follow you. Get naked, lay across the bed and pleasure yourself. The mere fact that you had the guts to masturbate in front of him will have him wanting to watch. Since you’ve got his attention invite him to join you!

Okay ladies, these are very basic examples but you catch the drift! Men can visualize, very vividly, the fantasies they have featuring their woman! All you have to do is bring it to life! Have fun, be creative and, most of all, be daring! It’s healthy to step outside yourself a time or two!

P.S. you can never be too abstract when you’re conjuring up ways to capture his unwavering attention so don’t be shy! Also, use your attention to detail to give things that little bit of something extra. (BOSSIP)

Men…. 80 Points To Ponder

1. Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.

2. Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.

3. If you buy your husband or boyfriend a video camera, for the first few weeks he has it, lock the door when you go to the bathroom. Most of my husband’s early films end with a scream and a flush.

4. Be careful of men who are bald and rich; the arrogance of “rich” usually cancels out the nice of “bald.”

5. Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible. In a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.

6. Men are very confident people. My husband is so confident that when he watches sports on television, he thinks that if he concentrates he can help his team. If the team is in trouble, he coaches the players from our living room, and if they’re really in trouble, I have to get off the phone in case they call him.

7. If it’s attention you want, don’t get involved with a man during play-off season.

8. Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important.

9. Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches.

10. All men look nerdy in black socks and sandals.

11. The way a man looks at himself in a mirror will tell you if he can ever care about anyone else.

12. Don’t try to teach men how to do anything in public. They can learn in private; in public they have to know.

13. Men who are going bald often wear baseball caps.

14. All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.

15. A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.

16. Men love watches with multiple functions. My husband has one that is a combination address book, telescope and piano.

17. All men hate to hear “We need to talk about our relationship.” These seven words strike fear in the heart of even General Schwarzkopf.

18. Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire and the last log does not burn, he will take it personally.

19. Men are brave enough to go to war, but they are not brave enough to get a bikini wax.

20. All men think that they’re nice guys. Some of them are not. Contact me for a list of names.

21. Men don’t get cellulite. God might just be a man.

22. Men have an easier time buying bathing suits. Women have two types: depressing and more depressing. Men have two types: nerdy and not nerdy.

23. Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.

24. Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I’ve never seen a man walk into a party and say “Oh, my God, I’m so embarrassed; get me out of here. There’s another man wearing a black tuxedo.”

25. Most men hate to shop. That’s why the men’s department is usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door.

26. If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more types of lettuce, he is serious.

27. If you’re dating a man who you think might be “Mr. Right,”

if he

a) got older,

b) got a new job,

or c) visited a psychiatrist,

you are in for a nasty surprise. The cocoon-to-butterfly theory only works on cocoons and butterflies.

28. Men own basketball teams. Every year cheerleaders’ outfits get tighter and briefer, and players’ shorts get baggier and longer.

29. No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record saying he wished he could be Cary Grant.

30. When four or more men get together, they talk about sports. When four or more women get together, they talk about men.

31. Not one man in a beer commercial has a beer belly.

32. Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie THE WAY WE WERE twice, voluntarily.

33. Most women are introspective: “Am I in love? Am I emotionally and creatively fulfilled?” Most men are outrospective: “Did my team win? How’s my car?”

34. If a man says, “I’ll call you,” and he doesn’t, he didn’t forget… he didn’t lose your number… he didn’t die. He just didn’t want to call you.

35. Men hate to lose. I once beat my husband at tennis. I asked him, “Are we going to have sex again?” He said, “Yes, but not with each other.”

36. Men who can eat anything they want and not gain weight should do it out of sight of women.

37. Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a problem. “Get out” and “I never want to see you again” might sound like a challenge. If you want to get rid of a man, I suggest saying, “I love you… I want to marry you… I want to have your children.” Sometimes they leave skid marks.

38. Men accept compliments much better than women do. Example: “Mitch, you look great.” Mitch:”Thanks.” On the other side:”Ruth, you look great.” Ruth: “I do? Must be the lighting.”

39. Impulse buying is not macho. Men rarely call the Home Shopping Network.

40. Men who listen to classical music tend not to spit.

41. Only men who have worn a ski suit understand how complicated it is for a woman to go to the bathroom when she’s wearing a jumpsuit.

42. Men don’t feel the urge to get married as quickly as women do because their clothes all button and zip in the front. Women’s dresses usually button and zip in the back. We need men emotionally and sexually, but we also need men to help us get dressed.

43. Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with superheros. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.

44. When a woman tries on clothing from her closet that feels tight, she will assume she has gained weight. When a man tries something from his closet that feels tight, he will assume the clothing has shrunk.

45. Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes. Male menopause – you get to date young girls and drive motorcycles.

46. Men forget everything; women remember everything.

47. That’s why men need instant replays in sports. They’ve already forgotten what happened.

48. Men would like monogamy better if it sounded less like monotony.

49. It is only common courtesy that you should leave the seat on the toilet UP when you are done.

50. If you are cooking a special dinner for a man, be sure to include something from each of the four major male food groups: Meat, Fried, Beer, and Red.

51. When he asks for a threesome with you and your best friend, he is only joking.

52. Unless the answer is yes.

53. In which case, can he videotape it?

54. If you REALLY want a nice guy, stop dating good-looking assholes.

55. Trying to provoke a large, dangerous-looking felon from across the room is not funny.

56. Money does not equate love. Not even in Nevada.

57. Any attempt by a man to prepare food, no matter how feeble (i.e. Microwaving a burrito, fixing Spaghetti, etc.) should be met with roughly the same degree of praise a parent might shower upon their infant when it walks for the first time.

58. Those male models with perfect bodies are all gay. Accept it.

59. He heard you the first time.

60. You know, YOU can ask HIM out too… Let’s spread the rejection around a little.

61. If you truly want honesty, don’t ask questions you don’t really want the answer to.

62. Of COURSE he wants another beer.

63. The guy doesn’t ALWAYS have to sleep on the wet spot.

64. Any sort of injury involving the testicles is not funny.

65. “Fine.” is not an acceptable way to end an argument.

66. Do not question a man’s innate navigational abilities by suggesting he stop for directions.

67. He was not looking at that other girl. Well, okay… maybe a little. Okay, so what! He was looking at her. Big deal. Like you never looked at another guy…

68. There is nothing inherently wrong with the word “pussy”.

69. He is the funniest, strongest, best-looking, most successful man you have ever met.

70. Your (select appropriate item:) butt/boobs/hair/makeup/legs look fine. As a matter of fact, it/they look damn good. Stop asking.

71. If you want a satisfying sex life, you will NEVER fake an orgasm.

72. It is not necessary to discuss the heaviness of your menstrual flow with him.

73. Remember: that Nair bottle looks an awful lot like shampoo if left in the shower.

74. Two words: blow job. Learn it. Live it. Love it.

75. Dirty laundry comes in several categories: Looks fine/smells fine, Looks fine/smells bad, Looks dirty/smells fine. Unless you intend to wash it, do not try to disrupt piles organized in this manner.

76. Yes, Sharon Stone/Pamela Anderson/Cindy Crawford is prettier than you. Just like Brad Pitt / Antonio Banderas / Keanu Reeves is better looking than him. But since neither one of you is going to be dating any of these people, love the one you’re with.

77. Of course size matters, and boy does he have the granddaddy of them all.

78. His (fill in appropriate selections:) bald spot/beer gut/impossibly thick glasses/impotency/scabby rash, is cute.

79. Watching football is a major turn-on for you. But please wait until the half-time show to act upon that…

80. A successful date always starts with the woman uttering the sentence: “You know, why don’t we just skip the expensive dinner and stay here having freaky circus sex all night?” (Source)

An Orgasm A Day Keeps The Doctor Away

Did you know that 400 million people around the world will end up having sex today? Did you know that roughly 4,000 people are doing right now? Did you know that 30 percent of women over the age of 80 still engage in sexual activities? Why? Because it’s beneficial to your health! If having and enjoying sex regularly can almost double human life expectancy, then we should all make it practice, right? Having regular orgasms has been scientifically proven to improve one’s overall mental and physical well-being. But some of the scientific research that has been conducted and reviewed is phenomenal! Who knew sex fights some cancers or that semen prevents tooth decay? Here’s to changing our perspective on why we really have sex! Take a look at why sex is good for your health!

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Strengthens Immunity – regular sexual activity has been scientifically proven to boost your immune system. Researchers have concluded that having sex just twice a week increases your antibody levels, which helps fight the common cold and infections.

Healthy Sex Life = Healthy Heart – no doubt sex is a stress reliever, but true story: men and women who engage in sexual activity on a consistent basis, as opposed to those who abstain, have healthier stress levels and lower blood pressure. Regular sex has been proven to improve circulation, combat heart disease and improve cholesterol levels.

Natural Analgesic – sex is a pain reliever? Yes, it is! Did you know that just before an orgasm the human body releases up to six times its normal amount of a hormone called oxytocin? As a result of the hormonal rush, the body releases endorphins that soothe headaches, muscle aches and everyday aches and pains.

Fights Prostate Cancer – in order to climax, a man’s prostate is responsible for producing the ejaculatory fluids. Some urologists argue the notion that men who don’t ejaculate often are more likely to develop cancer of the prostate. A study conducted by the British Journal of Urology International believes that men in their 20’s can potentially lessen their chances of developing cancer by a third, provided they ejaculate at least five times a week.

Fun Fitness – you can burn up to 200 calories having sex for 30 minutes. So let’s do some quick math: 30 minutes of sex, 5 times a week, 200 calories. That’s 1000 calories burned in 2 1/2 hours. But if you’re the type to go a little longer … okay let’s do some more math: 45 minutes, 6 times a week, 300 calories. That’s a total of 1,800 calories in 4 1/2 hours. Not bad, right? But let’s not forget the muscle toning that comes along with those positions that keep you working.

Improves Pelvic Floor Muscles – women have long heard of Kegel exercises but lots are skeptic. The theory is by trying to stop the flow urine for three seconds it keeps vaginal and pelvic muscles tight and toned. Here’s the deal, if women did a few Kegel squeezes during sex and randomly through the day, not only will the pelvic floor become stronger, sex will be more pleasurable for her and him!

Organic Sleep Agent – okay, so men should not be the only ones falling asleep after a good seductive session, women should too! According to many sexual research studies, the oxytocin the body releases during the climax is known to induce deep sleep! Good sleep and body rest is absolutely vital for good health! Orgasms promote complete relaxation! So fellas, if your lady is wide awake while you’re snoozing, she might have faked it! (Source)

It definitely is a pain reliever but I think more so because you get so caught up in the activities you don’t feel the pain. For example in the heat of the moment you could be riding your man and your knee is hitting up against something and you hardly feel it until the orgasm is over or you wake up the next morning like, “Why is my knee aching? I don’t remember hitting it. And there it is! Moral of the story: Sex does a body good so have more of it!

In Response to….

Original Comment:  From Dreamncherish@yahoo.com on March 12, 2010 1:07 am

How should you introduce the idea of anal sex to your wife? and thanks for the tip about the spanking it will come in very HANDY…

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Most men fantasize about anal sex. For some reason most of society sees it as “tabu”. As well most women hear the word anal and immediately associate it with pain. However, anal sex can be a wonderful experience for both partners. The trick is getting her to agree to try anal. And that means… there is something you can do to persuade your better half to engage in the rear entry intercourse. 

For the woman, anal sex can add another exciting level to her sexual experience. How can you convince her of this? First of all, you must be prepared to spend some time slowly working into it. Anal sex is not very comfortable if you just go straight to penetrating the anus with your penis. (Most importantly, you should never just put your penis in her anus without her approval—this could end any chance you may have had in getting her to try it because without lubrication and preparation, injury can occur)

STEP 1

Pick up a porn that has anal sex in it. You can buy one at any adult store, online adult stores, pawn shops that sell porn and yes, you can even rent one so you are not spending money on something you may not want to watch again.  While watching it with your partner, watch their face and body language to see how they react to it. Do they like it or do they ask you to turn it off? Is the sex more intense between you that night? If so it may be that they were turned on by watching the anal sex on the video. Next time you have sex you can take it one step further.

STEP 2

When performing oral sex, venture away from the norm. Move your hand down by her anus and watch her reaction. Does she move towards you? Try inserting your figure into her rectum. If she doesn’t object and doesn’t move away she may be open to more exploration. Working anal stimulation into your sexual encounters over the course of multiple lovemaking sessions is the best way to start. sensitivity from oral sex will help make this a pleasurable experience. You can even pay special attention to her anal area with your mouth. If you are comfortable, let your tongue wander downward from her clitoris to her anus. (Remember that if fingers or toys are inserted into the rectum should not be inserted into the vagina.)

STEP 3

When having intercourse make sure that there is plenty of lubrication. Pull out right before her orgasm and press your **** against her anus. If she objects then stop. If she doesn’t object  then push in a little further. Tell her how good it feels for you. If she still doesn’t stop you and she appears to be enjoying it ask her if it is okay for you to push in a little further. At this point she should be giving you a yes or no. If she says no don’t be discouraged. The subject is now in the open. You can always try again.

This pre-play is important for the woman. It gives her a chance to realize and become comfortable with the increased stimulation and excitement she gets from touch around her anus. This awareness can lead to more interest in anal stimulation during sex, and eventually, interest in having anal sex. All of this should be done with extra attention paid to her reactions. Stop if she responds negatively in any way. If she feels like she is being forced to do something she doesn’t want to do, she may never let you near her back door again. If she responds positively to these things, you can move onto the next step: penetration. It is important to remember that the anus does not make it’s own lubrication! You must use a lubricant at this point.

 

Anal Sex Tips

So you and your partner want to explore anal sex. Here are a few important tips to get you started so it is a pleasurable experience for both of you.

*** Start by exploring yourself ***

Masturbating helps you get to know your body, what you like, and what is comfortable for you. Knowing your body and what is exciting and what is not pleasant will only make you more comfortable when sharing anal exploration with your partner.

*** Communicate with your partner ***

 This is very important because the more comfortable you feel with your partner, the more relaxed you will be and the more enjoyable it will become. Talk ahead of time how you will go about your anal play and what makes both of you comfortable.

*** Lube, lube, lube! ***

 It’s been said that when you think you’ve used too much lube, put on some more! Using a lubricant will make penetrating the anus much easier. Remember, it doesn’t self-lubricate like the vagina. There are lubricants made specifically for anal sex that will help make it a pleasurable experience. Water-based lubricants are the best, as latex-based lubricants can degrade latex condoms and toys. Be sure not to use numbing lubricants—pain is your body‘s way of telling you to slow down or stop.

*** Start small ***

 Begin with a well-lubed finger or a narrow vibrator. There are even sets of graduated cylinders that can be used to “ease into” stretching the anus for anal sex.

*** Find a comfortable position ***

There is no right or wrong answer here, it can be any position you feel most comfortable in. The more relaxed you are the easier it will be.

*** Hygiene ***

This is an important topic! You should never put something into your vagina that has been in your anus. Use a condom for anal sex (even on your sex toys) and then remove it once you are done and replace with a new condom for further sex play. You can get a serious infection if you disregard this. Also, remember that you can get STD’s through anal sex—so you should always use a condom no matter what!

*** Go slow ***

This is a good idea…very, very slow. Communicate (see #2) with your partner if you need him or her to go slower or if you are ok. Taking it slow in the beginning will only make it more enjoyable and more likely for you to have a positive anal sex experience.

*** Clear the way ***

For some of you this may sound gross, but you should make sure you’ve pooped the day you want to have anal sex – this is for obvious reasons. Some people suggest laxatives or enemas, but you have to determine which is right for you. Using an enema prior to anal intercourse can irritate the sensitive tissue in the rectum increasing the risk of further irritation or even an infection.

*** Wash up ***

Make sure to wash your hands and toys, anything that has touched the anus, so as not to spread germs.

The bottom line is that anal sex can be a new sexual frontier for you to enjoy with your partner making sex more exciting and diverse. Be safe and Enjoy! (Source) 

Pour the soup & Toss the salad – Restaurant promotes sex in its bathrooms

Mildred’s Temple Kitchen is inviting customers to have sex in its bathrooms.

The Valentine’s weekend promotion took uncomfortable but electrifying sex from the close confines of an airplane and transferred it to the unisex stalls of the Hanna Ave. restaurant. The Liberty Village restaurant proposed its modern bathrooms became one of the “101 places to have sex before you die.”

Mildred’s has always elicited a certain response. One customer, who didn’t want to be named, remembers going to a wedding at the eatery’s old location and seeing a copy of the Kama Sutra in the bathroom. “They invite it,” said the customer. This time, the invitation is explicit. On its website, Mildred’s asks: “Have you given any thought to moving beyond the bedroom?

“Check out Mildred’s Sexy Bathrooms throughout the weekend of Big Love. You get the picture.”

Actually, the picture is clouded by practicalities. Is the restaurant supplying condoms? What about the health risks of body fluids? And who’s cleaning up? “We’ve always had little trysts in our bathrooms,” says chef/co-owner Donna Dooher, pointing to lingering weekday lunches as a popular time. “We took it to the next level on Valentine’s weekend.”

 

The restaurant’s four bathrooms light up outside when occupied. Staff have learned to watch the light flicker twice when two customers enter the same bathroom, usually a few minutes apart.

Toronto Public Health says as long as there’s no sex in the kitchen and the restaurant keeps its washrooms clean and sanitized, it’s not fussed. “As far as bodily fluids, it’s pretty much similar to the other human functions going on in there,” says Jim Chan, manager of the food safety program.

Dooher says customers brought their own condoms but she’s hired a maid to tidy the washrooms that weekend. “She was there with her feather duster and cleaning supplies.”

At least diners aren’t encouraged to use furry handcuffs, part of a $55 “naughty love hamper,” while at Mildred’s. “Best to savour and enjoy (those) long after you leave the restaurant,” the restaurant says. (Source)

His 10 Biggest Love Lies

The average dude fabricates something six times a day — that’s twice as often as women. So, to try to get why guys are so, uh, crafty, we reached out to male relationship experts. Here, they list the most common whoppers men tell their girlfriends and wives — and what the real deal is behind each.

Lie # 10: “I’m Stuck in Traffic”
“He figures it’s much easier to just say this than to try to explain the real reason he’s running late,” says John Amodeo, author of The Authentic Heart. “Remember, men aren’t as good at communicating as women are.” The funny thing is, a guy will toss this line out even if what held him up is perfectly legitimate. Still, you shouldn’t let it slide — it’s a lie nonetheless.

Lie # 9: “It Wasn’t That Expensive”
“Men like toys, and they don’t like sensing your disapproval, even if you don’t share a bank account,” Amodeo says. He could also be dropping this fib to try to prove he’s responsible with money, says Barton Goldsmith, author of Emotional Fitness for Intimacy. “He doesn’t want you to think that if you do share funds down the line, he’s going to blow them all on things like plasma TVs.”

Lie # 8: “I’m on My Way”
Guys usually throw you this line when you’re making them meet you at some event they don’t want to attend — like, say, your family reunion. He’s stalling, but he’s also being pouty. Consider: He can’t exactly refuse to go without enduring serious repercussions from you, and he can’t very well throw a temper tantrum in front of your pop-pop. So saying this and then showing up late is his way of gaining a wee amount of control.

Lie # 7: “I Didn’t Have Too Much to Drink”
This lie could point to a serious problem — and we’re not just talking about your relationship. If he says it often he could have an alcohol issue, Goldsmith says. You need to talk to him about how concerned you are, but watch the timing. “That’s definitely a conversation you need to have when he’s sober,” Amodeo adds.

Lie # 6: “Sorry, I Missed Your Call”
Lie # 5: “My Battery Died,” and
Lie # 4: “I Had No Signal,”
These three lines all mean the same thing: I screened your call. Why? “Often men will feed you these lies because they’re afraid to tell you to back off a bit, that they need a little alone time,” Amodeo says. You might want to ease up on the checking in and let him miss you more.

Lie # 3: “No, Your Butt Doesn’t Look Big in That”
Look, if you assail him with the question in the first place, you’re really just asking to be thrown this all-purpose mollifier. “Every guy has a buddy who’s told him, ‘I answered this question wrong once, and my girlfriend wouldn’t have sex with me for a year,’ ” Goldsmith says. This is the one safe response he knows, so there’s no way he’s going to risk the worst by straying from it. If you want an honest opinion, go ask one of your girls instead.

Lie # 2: “This Will Be My Last Beer”
Our experts say this man-lie delivered over the phone means he wants to get you off ASAP so he can spend more time with his buddies. The thing is, even if he says it three times in a night, each time he believes it, Goldsmith says. It’s like when you vow this will be your last cookie…five times in a row.

Lie # 1: “Nothing’s Wrong, I’m Fine”
A whopping 52 percent of men have told their girlfriend this line. To find out why — and how to deal if your guy uses it on you — check out our March issue, on newsstands now.

(COSMO)

5 Sexy things ladies want, but are just to afraid to ask for…

   

I’m going to help you out, boys. Here are some things your lady might want, but she’s too self-conscious to ask for. Don’t pressure anything, of course — but if you offer, you may be pleasantly surprised at how enthusiastically she accepts …   

1. She wants you to eat her out more: Our culture has a weird relationship with the Va Jay-Jay, if you haven’t noticed. Your lady has likely been exposed to a lot of lame-o messages telling her that her vag is “too hairy,” “too smelly,” “tastes gross,” “ugly,” etc. She might really love getting oral sex, but she’s afraid to ask you to do it because she’s afraid you’ve internalized the same messages that she has.

How to ask: It’s time to start sincerely praising her lady parts big time: “Your p**sy is so pretty!” “I love the way your vagina looks.” “I love the way your p**sy tastes.” “I love hearing you moan while I eat you out!” And so on. (If she is offended by the word “p**sy,” obviously you should say something different.) If she is still skittish about being eaten out, don’t push it. Offer to give a massage all over her inner thighs and on the outer folds of her labia; keep offering to do this, and keep praising her vag, until she mellows out. And if she never does, hey, maybe she’s just not into oral sex! 

2. She wants to fool around in public: Let me be clear: Having full-on sex in public might be a little to risqué — not to mention messy — for some women, myself included. But that doesn’t mean a lady wouldn’t love a heavy-duty make-out session at that banquet in the far corner of the bar, the backseat of her car, or on her front steps! 

 How to ask: Download the Kelis song “In Public” — the chorus goes “Let’s get it on in public” — and when it plays, ask your girl if she thinks it’s sexy.

 

3. She wants to be dominated: Even big-mouthed ballsy women like me enjoy being dominated! Yet dominating a woman scares a lot of men because they are afraid — rightfully so — of being rape-y. But with tons of trust and communication, she’ll be creaming her panties in no time! You just need to take baby steps and constantly read her body language to make sure she’s comfortable, both physically and emotionally. I want to emphasize the importance of baby steps: If you’re going to play around with domination, it’s never a good idea to start off with anything that might hurt her feelings or humiliate her, i.e., barking orders at her (“Go down on me NOW!”) or name-calling (”Slut!”). Playing around with restraints — loose restraints, of course — is definitely a better way to go. 

 How to ask: Start simple. Really simple. “Would you like it if I blindfolded you the next time I go down on you?” If she likes that, next time ask, “Would you like it if I loosely tied your wrists to the bedposts?” If she likes that, next time ask, “Would you like it if I held down your arms while I lick your breasts?” If she likes that, the two of you can figure out what else she might like. It’s also a good idea to create a “safe word,” which is something she can say when she wants you to stop immediately. (Sometimes in the heat of the moment people say “Oh, noooo!” when they really mean “Oh, that feels good!” So it’s good if your safe word is something other than “no.”)  My safe word is this sentence: “I want you to stop now.” Because it makes my intentions clear.

 

4. She wants you to be the submissive one: Getting dominated might not be her thing, but she might want to dominate you. Yes, even if she’s the meek and shy one! Speaking from a lady’s point of view, it can be awkward to tell a guy you want to dominate him because it’s hard to ascertain which guys will think it’s too emasculating. (I am not saying a man getting dominated has to be emasculating; some guys just perceive it that way.) But if you think your woman might get her rocks off by playing the sex goddess, you getting dominated is worth bringing up. 

 How to ask: Does your lady ever ride cowgirl? If that’s your favorite move — and in my experience, for a lot of guys, it is — tell her that you just LOVE her in control. Then suggest the same things that I recommended under the “She wants to be dominated” section — say you want her to give you a BJ while you’re blindfolded, then with your wrists tied to the bed post, etc. If she finds her inner domination queen, you’re a lucky guy!

 

5. She wants to be spanked: Lightly spanking a woman (i.e., nothing that could cause a bruise) can feel amazing for both of you: I’ve heard lots of women say that getting spanked sends lots of tingly feelings to their vaginal and anal areas and I’ve heard lots of men say spanking a woman makes them feel like they are physically demonstrating their lust. I’ve been pretty open about my own enjoyment with getting spanked and, I promise you, lots of women really like it. Unfortunately, asking to be spanked can be embarrassing for a woman because, well, it is sort of silly! 

 How to ask: Just like when you’re asking a woman if she wants to be dominated, the key is to take baby steps. While you’re making out, touch her ass a lot; squeeze it, rub it; show her you think her booty is a-maz-ing. Whisper in her ear, “Can I give you a little spank?” If she says yes, do it once, softly. Ask, “Do you like that?” If she says yes or even if she’s ambivalent, ask if you can do it a few more times, all the while kissing her and still squeezing and rubbing her ass. Then you should probably stop. Next time you guys are cuddling, bring up how you liked giving her little spanks and ask if she wants to try it again sometime. If she’s receptive, ask her if she wants you to do it harder or if she’d like to lie in your lap while you spank her. One more thing: my advice about dominating a woman is the same here, too. Do not call her names or humiliate her unless she tells you that’s what she wants. For all you know, she has issues left over from childhood about being physically punished and calling her a “bad girl” might be upsetting. The same goes for women who might have had abusive relationships in the past: Even if your woman really likes getting spanked, it’s important to remember that spanking is still hitting and you need to make it 100 percent absolutely clear that you’re only doing it in the context of sexual arousal. Understood? Now go get it on. (FRISKY)